March 2009
34 posts
i’m moving to another tumblr soon. i will be at http://meaninglessness.tumblr.com/ tomorrow.
i want to go home
and just waste my time writing
sorry, i can’t hang out today
i have to go home and starve myself
sometimes i want to lock myself in my room
then only consume oxygen and hydrogen
sometimes i want to be happy
then not care about my body
today i choose to lock myself in my room
i want to live in a book
i would rather be a fictional character in a novel
maybe that’s why i write as someone else
i’m in a room full of depression and apathy
there are so many people who lead me to the door of happiness
today i thought i saw the door open
just a little bit
inhale
exhale
repeat
i taught my cat to scratch me and cut me
then i don’t have to cover it up
when people ask me how i got cut
i tell them my cat scratched me
because it’s the truth
je ne m’aime pas
je ne veux pas vivre
pourqoui est-ce que j’ai ces pensée
je souhaite je ne suis jamais née
i looked in the mirror
my reflection cried
my hunger comforted it
i went to your apartment today
i saw your green door with the note:
she is not here, please leave a message
and a small red box under it for messages.
i hope you like yellow tulips.
i just want to sleep
take pictures that make people cry
and memorize digits of pi
tomorrow i will be aiden
tomorrow i will be happy
i am not sad
i am not sad
i am not sad
today my name is gregory.
i cried for two hours and fell asleep.
i woke up and drank some lemonade.
the spider on the wall talked to me.
his name was joseph.
he told me i was handsome.
then i was happy.
but then i remembered i was sad.
i cried for seven hours and drank more lemonade.
hi my name is james
i am a cool cigarette
i want you to kiss me
your kiss makes me fade
your lips kill me
please kill me
words can make me be anything
anorexic
obese
suicidal
happy
bored
apathetic
because sometimes
it’s not really me who’s writing
depression
don’t leave me
i miss you
make me complain
make me cry in bed
make me want to fade
sometimes my life is like a movie
but i’m never the main character
i don’t care about anything
i don’t care about anyone
just give me
a cup of water
a cigarette
a pen and a piece of paper
let me write myself to death
i want to disappear
maybe i am a caterpillar.
i will get fat.
then i will become very pretty.
when i feel lonely i like to talk to george.
he is sad that people like franklin more.
but he wasn’t the father of our country, george.
jealousy hates me and bullies me.
i hope she would stop making me cry.
i try to get rid of her but she insists on coming back.
“why can’t you be more like them? look.”
i tell her i am fine as who i am.
“no, look at them. they are better.”
she doesn’t listen when i tell her to leave me alone.
“you need improvement. you need me.”
she always wins.
my shadow copies me.
she is better than me.
“i’m skinnier than you.”
“i don’t have to smile.”
“i can disappear.”
i don’t want to be depressed.
i don’t want to be happy.
i want to cease to exist.
give me apathety.
pandora ate the rat today.
he slid around his tank. i think he was trying to burn off the fat. he has been sliding around for three hours.
at least he didn’t throw up this time.
i named the snake pandora.
he is anorexic although i think he is very skinny. i gave him his favorite rat for his birthday but he hasn’t touched it. he makes it hide so he doesn’t have to look at it and be hungry. he tries to shed out of his skin so he can seem lighter. he sometimes makes himself throw up with his tail.
you’re not fat, pandora.
i will squirt lemon juice in your eyes,
i will feed you little hairballs,
i will take off your fingernails,
i will peel your skin,
i will wash you with alcohol,
i will staple your sensitive spots,
i will eat in front of you while you starve.
please give me too much pills.
please make my scarf too tight.
please keep me underwater for too long.
please insert a bullet into my cerebellum.
please cut my wrists until you see the bone.
please forget to feed me.
please clog my trachea.
make sure i look pretty in my autopsy.
i found a snake in my hookah.
the snake hugged me and fell asleep on my lap.
i boiled some water and put eggs in it.
i forgot about the eggs until their cries reminded me.
they were angry and refused to talk to me.
the eggs went to bed so i took a bath.
the water made me clean but i was still hungry.
i ate some of the soap.
i hiccuped bubbles.
it was pretty.
“hold my hand.” we walked to the cliff together. i pushed him and he smiled the whole way down.
i threw a ladybug to keep him company.
my mailbox is hungry. i am sorry that i don’t have friends, mailbox. please don’t cry.
i got a knife. i drew a flower. my arm has black blood. i was angry because it wasn’t red.
next time i want red roses.
i saw a jellyfish swimming.
it smiled at me.
then i died.